


Guilt

by boyswithanxieties



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Bottom Medic, Death, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gen, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Other, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Stabbing, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:07:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26310865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyswithanxieties/pseuds/boyswithanxieties
Summary: Reader (Gender Neutral) who's an assistant for Miss Pauling, kills someone for the first time on a last minute mission. Medic doesn't understand what is so upsetting about it...(Smut in later parts.)
Relationships: Medic (Team Fortress 2)/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	Guilt

Miss Pauling's decision to hire you was her most daring yet, despite the fact that killing witnesses and hiding bodies was her day job. Yep none stop, 24/7, one day off… a year. Yeah she definitely needed someone to assist on the smaller jobs; such as background checks, location scoping, finger-print collecting and all the rest. The killing and hiding bodies was for her, and her only. She couldn't trust even Spy to do that. 

You were on a trial period and sure, if plans ever failed… she can just find someone new.

So you've been working with Reliable Excavation Demolition for six months now. You were a reliable worker despite Miss Pauling's initial apprehension, you were stationed with the RED team to relieve duties that were caused by them. You and Miss Pauling both agreed they were the messiest team. They often left locations full of dead bodies, full of witnesses and only just about complete their objectives. Despite this, their success rate is one hundred and ten percent so there was no room for anyone to complain. 

Again, you were a reliable worker and you had proven yourself a worthy asset to Mann Co. You had scouted locations that Miss Pauling was looking for months in a matter of days, collected data efficiently and met every deadline, and overall you were appreciated by your fellow mercenaries. You yourself especially appreciated the team's Medic, Doctor (Or Mister? What title do you use when you lose your medical license?) Ludwig.

The best way to describe how you felt about Medic was you were attracted to him, sexually. He was built like an action hero; broad shoulders, thick thighs, stance oozing confidence like he knew he was desirable! You loved his accent; strong and theatrical given his flamboyant personality. Medic was a very intriguing character, his morality and thinking knew no bounds, his intellect far greater than most people you have known yet despite this he had the charm of a serpent. He knew how to get what he wanted and still leave you wanting more.

Right now, you were sitting outside in Teufort's desert climate. For it being the desert, the temperature was surprisingly comfortable. You were filling out some final reports which, all being well, would've meant you and Miss Pauling would get the weekend off. Medic was inside the gaping garage door, his back was to you whilst chatting with Engineer. 

Resisting yourself, you couldn't help but marvel at him. His tall figure and clean cut coal black hair (you often wondered: how it would smell? How it would feel? Bet it was thick and lucious.) You pondered to yourself: how toned is he really? Considering he carried that heavy Medigun for hours on end. You often wondered if he was strong enough to lift you… carrying you while passionately kissing you, his firm hands on your starving skin, his teeth sharp nipping at your delicate neck leaving bruises on your neck, begging for you to fuc-

RING RING! RING RING!

Shit, she's calling you. Probably expecting your reports to be done by now so she could plan how she was relaxing this weekend. You rushed to the telephone which meant you were much closer to Engineer and Medic in their conversation. Nervously you picked up the phone.

"Hello? Miss Pauling?"

"Okay, okay" Miss Pauling pants on the other side, surprised this woman hasn't dropped dead from the constant stress she's constantly under. "I have a mission for you." You pulled a visibly confused look as if she were in front of you, where was this coming from?

"What about the reports?"

"Forget about them! I have to leave the country in-" She paused, probably looking at her watch, "An hour." She sighed. "So guess who's not getting her weekend off." Miss Pauling laughed, but you could tell she was slightly annoyed. 

"Look, I hate to ask this but, you're gonna have to get rid of any witnesses or bodies that Soldier and Scout leave today." 

"What?!" You let out louder than you should have, Medic and Engineer peeped their eyes towards you. 

"You won't have to kill anyone…" She whispered, she's likely using a public payphone. "You know what Scout and Soldier are like, they always leave witnesses, so just search the area and report back. That's all there is to it. There might not even be anyone to uh... take care of, y'know?"

You breathe out, "I mean sure, but I'm sca-" Miss pauling sighed with relief.

"Thank god, I knew I could count on you! I'll talk to you soon! Bye!" She hung up, leaving you flabbergasted. Phone still your ear before slowly placing it away. Medic chimed in, "Is everything alright?" 

Your trance was cut off, you looked back shocked, "I- Miss Pauling has sent me out." 

"I heard, you were going to tell her something, but you were interrupted… What was it?" Medic asked, Engineer took his leave from the garage. 

"I…" You hesitated, Medic was never known to be the most comforting. "You're gonna laugh but," You notice his stare had grown more intense, he was intrigued. "But I'm kinda scared? I've never done these missions before."

Medic shrugged at your answer, "I don't see what there is to be frightened of." You began to collect your keys to your car and unlock it. Medic continued: "Perhaps I am being harsh, I do hope you return safely. Scout and Soldier usually… uh, what is it they say?" He thought for a moment… 

"Ah yes, Kick ass und take names?" You chuckled at his attempt to reassure you. 

"Yeah something like that." You replied. You got into your car and started the ignition. You made your way to a dodgy tailor shop.

It was a front for money laundering and drugs for the first few years it was established. but it wasn't long before their greed got the better of them and they got into weapon smuggling. 

For Mann Co. it meant competition and for the administrator, a distraction from Redmond and Blutarch's goal. They should have stuck with drugs and loan sharking, considering how they were a pretty good front with their plethora of prom dresses, suits and wedding attire. Honestly you thought to yourself: if they just stuck being some back end dress shop, they'd actually do pretty well. Regardless, when you arrived there were two bodies lying dead. Of course! This was Scout and Soldier's doing, it was foolish of you to expect this place spotless.

The first guy had his head shot open. looked like Scout Force-A-Nature did that, You see the blood soaked skull and part of his brains both on the shop's carpet and on the nearby wall. It was clear as day that he was dead. And died painfully at that.

Second guy lacked the same amount of brutality, he looked beat up. Soldier's shovel scattered bruises all over him, his knees were slightly crooked from being beat with the tool. The RED Team were very clearly messy, ruthless but what did it matter? 

Miss Pauling mentioned once when burying anything dead to always make shallow graves to make a body decompose faster. So you did. Dragging the man with the exploded head down into a makeshift grave and buried him as best you could. 

This wasn't in your job description, it was wrong? Yes, but nothing could be done about it. 

You avoided the thought of who he was. His family, was he as desperate as you to make ends meet or just too cocky and ambitious? Did he have dreams? Now he's just the prop in your story, another day in the office and you had to treat him as such…

You patted your shovel on the dry desert ground. Your back was sore, your shoulders ached and the sun was near setting, the sky a mix of orange and lilac. The breeze began to move lightly on your skin. You enter back inside the dress shop to collect the next guy. He's not there.

"Where's the second guy?" you muttered to yourself.

BANG! 

A bullet flew right into your shoulder! Pain knocked you right on the floor, you scurried to a nearby desk. You pat your shoulder, palm now drenched in your blood. Panting, you were panting, the adrenaline hadn't yet allowed you to feel the already excruciating pain on your shoulder.

"You killed my fucking friends! You sick fuck!" The guy slurred, he sounded like he had a concussion. Breathe! No, breathe properly, that's too fast! You were breathing too fast! Trust Soldier to leave someone alive. 

The guy called out, limping closer to you as he knocked off sewing tools all over the floor, as he tried to maintain balance on the desks. 

"I know you're alive, come out and finish me off! You fucking coward!" 

You crawled on one arm to another desk, trying to calm your heavy breathing, trying to numb the agonising pain on your shoulder. It's gone silent. The man nowhere to be seen. You saw the exit just in front of you, prefect. You began to run as if your life- no, your life literally depended on it. 

You could almost smell the desert air, the cool breeze on your bloody skin. You could almost hear Medic's laughter, his smile beaming at you. 

Just almost there… you were tackled onto the floor. The man climbed on top of your waist, you kept punching him to no avail, his clammy hands grasped your neck tightly. You started to tense, staring into his angry eyes, his forehead dripped rapidly with sweat. His breath smelling of his own blood and his teeth yellow. He was primal. You saw a pair of fabric scissors just above you.

"Stop struggling! It's only making it worse!" He snickered, your fingertips just made contact with the handle. "Don't worry, I'll send your body to them. After I fuck you u-" With all your might you snatched the scissors and lunged the blade square in his eye. Blood spewed out and painted half his head with red liquid and down to your face and body. 

He had let go of your neck through his banshee scream! He wailed with a shaking hand touching where the scissors impaled his once seeing eye. You pulled the scissors out, before thrusting it again into his throat. You coughed roughly from the choke hold but you kept thrusting, the blade into his neck. He gargled roughly as his own blood filled his lungs, and his eyes now pale and soulless. 

He was dead. You couldn't remember how quickly he died, or how quickly his stop resisting your attacks. You could stop stabbing now… Stop stabbing! 

You have exhausted your energy. Tears had already dripped down your blood covered cheeks, you sobbed with your head bowed. You rose yourself off the now dead man, his face and neck drowned in his own blood. You treaded out the exit, you were crying at this point. The scissors slipped from your fingers to the dry dirt. You were in your car, you started the ignition and drove as fast as you could back to base. The pain in your shoulder was intrusive, your mind was almost hyperfixing on the pain when you were meant to be driving. Thankfully the roads were empty, thankfully the base wasn't too far away. The motorway was blurry, you couldn't tell if it was your tears or you losing blood… very likely the latter option.

When I say you did a sharp turn to base, you did the sharpest turn ever! Amazed the car didn't capsize! Just reaching the blanket hiding the base entrance, you immediately hit the brakes! Your head whiplashed at the abrupt stop. You smiled, one last tear down your face before you passed out.

Medic was fixated and focused, fixing the bandages around your shoulder. He hadn't been this tense in years because he normally liked his patients awake, medigun on and chatting away. But alas, he couldn't complain. You were passed out, near bleeding to death. 

He blamed himself for you going out on your own like that; you were young, new and inexperienced. Medic however, was now glad he had extracted the bullet from you, and has allowed you to rest. Maybe he'll show you the bullet he just extracted? No, that's ridiculous. You'll just past out again.

Medic draped a blanket over your pale body, your eyes became deep dark craters on your once gleaming eyes! Smooth flush skin now, cold and almost a hollow shell. He pinched the bridge of his nose, frustrated. Medic rose himself from his chair and left his doves guard you while you slept.

Hours had passed. Archimedes fluffed his chest and nestled himself against your hand, your hand became warm again and there was more life returning to your face. Medic entered himself in the infirmary, he was much calmer after seeing you looking slightly healthier.

"Guter junge, Archimedes" he muttered aloud to his beloved pet. Medic took his coat off and placed it on his desk chair lazily, "Hoffen wir, dass sie bald aufwachen, ja?" 

You stirred in your sleep, making a quiet whimper. Medic quickly whipped his head to face you as your eyes peaked open. 

"Medic?" you asked, vision blurry but feeling the delicate feathers of Archimedes before he fluttered up to his nest. Medic quickly took a seat beside your bed, rushing to you so he was the first thing you saw when you regained your sight. His hair was unkempt with strands drooping over his eyes. His posture, slumped. You could tell Medic was restless, did he even sleep? You couldn't know, you didn't know how many hours (or days) you were asleep for. You gazed up, eyes boring themselves into his rusty brown eyes and the firmness of his hands. How you loved how they looked; strong, laboured and yet somewhat gentle when fingers have pinched your cheek times before in an effort of professional banter.

"How do you feel?" Medic cut the silence.

"I-" you cleared your throat, it has been an age since you last spoke. "I feel okay, I think"

Medic smiled weakly albeit genuine, "That's good, should I be worried about your 'I think'?" You didn't respond. The image of you slashing that man kept replying in your head. The fear in his eyes, his instinct to cry out and surrender before you plundered his face to a plump just screamed in your head, drowning out Medic's question.

"Okay…" Medic stated, "If you need anything, let me kn-"

"Medic, I killed someone."

He paused, his face incomprehensive.

"Well, good." He chirped, a smile creeping in his face. "We won't be going to prison, thanks to you!"

"No Ludwig, I murdered someone!"

Medic winced. Your eyes started to water, sweat was starting to form on your forehead and palms. You continued, despite knowing how Medic was not going to be on the same wavelength with you emotionally.

"I stabbed him, stabbed him! Over and over!" You choked on your sobs. "I should have taken a gun! I should have or he would have-!" It embarrassed you that you were crying in front of him, you knew he was unphased, why were you still sobbing? Stop talking!

"Yes, he would have killed you, I know." He cut you off, your mouth shut like clam to stifle your whines. He continued: "This job's not exactly moral, you know that?" You nodded. "You did what you had to do. Myself, Miss Pauling and everyone else would have done the same. I suggest you look at it on the bright side, you're alive and I get to see you another day. There is nothing to be upset about."

Stern. That was his expression, no doubt about that. You felt guilty for being so upset, these men do this for a living and you have merely signed yourself up for the same. Was this job even cut out for you? Which led to your curiosity...

"What was it like for you? Killing someone for the first time?" You rubbed your eyes and sniffed.

You were exceptionally brave, asking such a heavy weighted question to your colleague. Medic blinked. Blink, blink, blink. He cleared his throat, "That's for another time. You need rest." Truthfully, you were a little insulted simultaneously however, you understood that it was a private question to ask. Perhaps, he'll follow through with an answer someday.

Wouldn't that be something.

"I'm sorry for asking." you said, Medic's body language was nonchalant. 

"Don't be, you were only asking. I don't quite have the words to describe it in English, just yet." Medic lied. While it was somewhat true that he didn't have the right vocabulary to describe his complex feelings on the matter. He had also never shared such an intimate detail about his past, with anyone. He would have liked to answer, if it meant you got a crumb of empathy, but it might've made you feel much worse. Uncertain... Uncertain.

At this point you were ready to change the subject, this conversation was getting too straining on you. "How long do I need to rest, Doctor?" you enquired. Medic pouted, eyes looked above him as they squinted slightly, he was concentrating. It was kind of cute when he was focused, how his face contorted, and his eyes gleamed. You loved how he looked especially then. 

"In my medical opinion, I would say a week until you are up on your feet again!"

Both hands slapped his thighs before rising up off his chair, you were a little hurt that he was leaving so soon. Any time was too soon. You called out to him: 

"Hey, Medic?" 

"Hm?"

He looked at you a little puzzled but you smiled at him, eyes glistened both with joy and the tears you shed. "Thank you for saving my life. I don't think I could ever repay you." Medic turn away, flustered. His cheeks tinged with red, his brown eyes stared into yours before saying: 

"You being alive is payment enough."

Your eyes opened wider at his statement, you were shocked, Medic spoke to you affectionately. He simpers at you before finally leaving.


End file.
